What I have learned...so far

I am 34 years old.

Some of you may be older. Some of you may be younger. I suppose it's all relative. This however is my blog, and this is my opinion...so here it is.

I have learned that love comes and goes, often with the same person.
I have learned that the more frequently you fall in love with the same person, the deeper it becomes.
I have learned that as you age, the changes are so subtle that you always look the same and you were always prettier before.
I have learned that as others age, the changes are not so subtle as you see them less frequently.
I have learned that my beliefs are not set in stone.
I have learned that even though my age increases, my mind stays the same. My brain remains 21, as I my body ages.
I have learned that youth feels like power but power is knowledge and knowledge comes with experience and experience comes with age. Do not resent the youth for their sense of power for we once felt the same.
I have learned that my loud music is good, my son's loud music however annoys me to no end. How exactly did that happen? This is something I have yet to fully understand.
I have learned people are interested in themselves and stories that involve themselves. Keep your personal experiences to yourselves. I realize this sounds hypocritical.
I have learned to be humble, it's better (and easier) to admit ones mistakes and faults.
I have learned that letting go of judgments and guilt about not meeting up to others wants/beliefs/needs is good for the soul.
I have learned that...

This is my life, you have never or will never fully walk in my shoes. I accept you for who you feel that you are and  I accept how you choose to conduct yourself as long as you do not hurt anyone else in the process. I have chosen to let go of judgments and to have a so called Teflon mind. I will no longer hold myself to your expectations of who I should be as I strongly feel that the majority is controlled by today's media. I will not hold myself to those standards as I have learned that they are artificial and business is business...my life is my life and the two do not coincide...

Love me, or leave me...I just am.

I have learned so much in 34 years...what have you discovered in your life? We each live our lives within ourselves, within our minds. I will never fully understand you experiences and you will never fully understand mine.

I have learned that we each live our lives within a box called a brain...perception can not be shared as it belongs to the individual...

I have learned to accept you for who you are.

If you learn to do the same, you will truly be free.

My Only Regret...

There is only one voice that makes me shiver...the whole night through. If you caught that, then you are automatically in my good books.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xHl-P_arVA&NR=1

I only wish I knew how to post a YouTube video. Perhaps someone can tell me?

I remember the first time I rested eyes on his beautiful greasy locks of blonde hair. I was 14yrs old. In my biological mother's living room in Yellowknife, NWT watching Much Music. At the time I was a hard core "rocker" chic. I loved Metallica (still do) and G&R and I was still into the hair metal bands such as Poison and Skid Row. I wore skin tight jeans, teased my hair and wore heavy eye liner. The music...it tugged at my heart. My BPD was beginning to boil over and become a prominent part of my life.

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" flooded the room. I was immediately drawn to the warm and melty voice (that's the best way I can describe it in an emotional sense) of Kurt Cobain. I fell instantly in love. I felt alive.

I still feel as though I "discovered" Nirvana. Okay, I know I didn't but at the time, none of my friends had heard of them. I rushed out, purchased the CD and began my mission. I simply had to share it with everyone I came in contact with. It came to parties with me, it came to school. It never left my side. Eventually I found out that there was an earlier CD "Bleach" and I scooped it up too. This one at the time was harder to find. I was in Yellowknife after all. YK didn't even have decent radio coverage at the time.

About 6 months later I was sent back to Ontario out of bad behavior. Social services (I was in foster care by then) decided that I should live closer to my legal parents...they just couldn't handle me anymore. I was bounced around between foster homes and group homes until I turned 16yrs of age. This is when I decided to take Family and Children's Services to court and remove myself form their care. It's  amazing to me now, that they would let a 16 year old child go out into the world on her own...but they did.

I spent the next year living from place to place. Staying with anyone that would take me in. Sometimes sleeping outside in bus enclosures or on someones front step. I felt safer on someones front step. Just before I turned 17 years old, I ended up in a women's shelter. They helped me to get "welfare" and a basement apartment.  Soon after, I found a room mate. Shortly after that, I became pregnant by her older cousin.

As you can tell, I didn't exactly have the opportunity/funds to purchase concert tickets. I never got to go to a Nirvana show. By the time I was roughly 3mths along in my pregnancy, it happened.

In my tiny living room, I turned on the T.V. There it was. He was gone.

My heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces. He was the one who wrote what was in my head. I loved him without knowing him. Now...it was over.

I don't regret anything in my life. Not one damn thing. Everything I did, lead me to where I am now which is a pretty good place to be considering where I came from. I don't regret anything in my life...except not seeing him in the flesh.

If you have memories of Kurt, Please share them with me. Any memories at all. I would appreciate it, if you know any Nirvana fans, would you ask them to check out my blog too? Ask them to send me their thoughts, memories and video links too.

Courtney, I wish you would share some memories with me too.

Thank you xoxo

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh

My illness is full of  hypocrisy.  When I'm in my dark place, I don't care about anything yet I worry about everything.  I want to die yet I am afraid of dying.  I want to be left alone yet I beg people not to leave me.  I hate everyone yet I am afraid that they hate me.

When I'm well It's not so bad.  I only fear that I will fall under again.  I am able to give off the impression of confidence.  I can trick people into believing that I am "normal".  I still have constant anxiety but I hide it well.  I continue to wrestle with my mind as it is always trying to "trick" me.  Now that I really think about it, as I type these words, I am realizing that I'm never really well.  There are just varied degrees of sickness.

I don't really know how I'm going to return to work.  My job is very stressful and demanding.  You always have to be "on".  I just don't feel like pushing myself anymore.  Not that hard anyway.  It's not that I've given up.  I hope I haven't given that impression.  I expect that I will do well...once I have figured out what it is I want to do.  I am not lazy.  Just uninspired.  I regret the courses I took in college as they got me no where.  I chose to get involved in retail instead.  Retail is a black hole.  It sucks you in.  Possibly forever?  I am REALLY good at my job.  I just don't have the strength to do it anymore.

It's too bad there wasn't a career in whining.  I would be rich!!

Reality T.V is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.  I love having a glimpse into other people's lives.  Sometimes it makes me feel really good about myself but...mostly I just enjoy being given the right to judge!  I also love, love, love wedding and decorating shows.  Since I have been off work for a couple of months now, I spend a lot of time with my new friends on the television.  Once I get my butt back to work I will have a beautifully decorated home AND have the wedding of my dreams.  Of course, you have to be engaged first to plan the latter...or do you?


This post is just a mish mosh of things on my mind.  It doesn't flow and it lacks consistency...just like me:)

The problem with being anonymous

I have so many things I would love to share with you.  Pictures of my children, my lovely little dog, my huge Christmas tree...the list goes on and on.  I took a risk by posting my cupcakes in my last post.  I may have to delete that photo. *sigh*  I could be "found out."

This is the problem with having to be anonymous.  I can only post so much.  In the beginning this was enough for me.  In the beginning I was really, really down.  I didn't care much about any of the things that usually make me happy.

I Googled myself today.  Well, I Googled Blissseeker.  The second hit was my Twitter account.  I clicked next and found a tweet I had made to someone.  I clicked next one more time and found "Rider Of The Storm".  My blog.  It's too risky to get personal.

Perhaps I will start a new blog.  I will secretly follow all of you!  You will never know it's me and then I can show you all of the things I love.  All of the other things, aside from BPD, that make me...me!

Blissseeker xo

A Wonderful Surprise To End A Wonderful Day

My daughter turned 8 today.  I have been stressing over it for about two weeks.  I really wanted to give her the best party she has ever had.

I baked cherry flavored cupcakes and then made a full hearted attempt at decorating them.  In my head, I envisioned beautifully iced cakes all pretty and pink.  The kind you see in magazines or on Martha Stewart.  I bought a 3 tiered cupcake stand, an icing kit and confetti sprinkles.  Please keep in mind that I am not the most "domestic" of moms.  I really want to be though!  I was happy with the finished result.  The cupcakes were pretty and they were pink.  I honestly didn't mean for them to turn out looking like they have nipples.  Hopefully, I'm the only one who noticed!  They won't be in the next issue of Good Housekeeping but...not too awful for my first baking session in 15 years!  More importantly, I really, really enjoyed myself. 

We planned a "movie theater" theme complete with a projector, screen and authentic movie theater popcorn.

The kids had a blast!  I heard a little girl say that it was the best birthday party she had ever attended.  When my daughter politely said "thank you" the girl exclaimed "no really, I mean the best"!

I was over the moon.

The second wave of the party began within an hour of the first.  This one was for friends and family.

I served an array of hors d'oeuvres, a meat tray with a large assortment of buns, the usual veggie and fruit trays and a delicious spinach, artichoke and cheese dip with pita bread triangles.  My mother made her famous money cake.  It contained $8.00 in loonies and toonies.  Don't worry, she cleans the coins really well and  wraps them in wax paper.  It's all very hygienic and everyone loves it!  The Coronas were free flowing, the children consumed waay too much sugar, there was tissue paper everywhere.  It was messy...and wonderful.  I loved every moment.

At the end of the night, after cleaning and putting everyone to bed, I decided to upload my photos from the day.  I uploaded them to Facebook and when I was finished, decided to make a quick visit to Bloggerville.

This is how I came to discover the wonderful surprise which awaited me.

My FIRST blog award!

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to receive one of these lovely little gems.  There are so many fabulous blogs out there.  How could someone think that mine was one of them?  I am honored and blown away by all of this!  Thank you Jen, of "Starting Over" for including me as one of your 5 faves.  I am speechless...and if you ask the people I'm close with, that's nearly impossible!  Your comments always cheer me up and it's nice to know that someone out there is listening to all of my blethering and whining!

So, now it's my turn.  I must pass this award forward, to five more wonderful people.  This is harder than I thought it would be.  Especially because my irrational thoughts (due to BPD)  are telling me that people will be angry or even hurt, if I don't choose them.  This is actually turning out to be quite therapeutic!  I am going to use my DBT skills I have been learning.  In particular, the one called "opposite action".  Normally I would put this off until I drove myself totally CrAzY!  Not tonight.  Tonight, I am going to choose with no regrets!  I love you all but I can only choose five.  Here they are!

f8hasit
You simply must visit this blog.  She is able to take every day life situations and retell them in such a way that you cannot stop reading!  My fave is only pie, and nevermore....  I read it three times:)


365 Days of People
He has vowed to write everyday for 365 days.  He is currently on day 112.  All though he has to write on command, he certainly keeps it fresh and whitty.  Always!


Crazy People I've Worked With
Anita posts people's hilarious stories about strange and whacky people they have worked with.  This blog always makes me smile and I love, love, love Anita's dry sense of humor!  Her comments on each story are always filled with fabulous sarcasim.


Ride My Mind
Wonderfully written.  This "blog about nothing" is really something!  His most recent post, "Haunted By The Holiday Spirit" really tugged at my heart strings.


Nat The Fat Rat
Charming!  She lets you into her life and shares it all.  It's like you really know her.  She becomes your "bestie"!

So that's it then.  I could have gone on and on about so many more blogs but I stubbornly narrowed it down to five.  Thanks all, for your wonderful words:)

A brief glimpse of an old friend...myself

I don't know.  I just don't know.

I've been missing myself for about a year now.  The me that I had developed over the past decade or so.  I had picked things up from people over the years and had put together a "patch work" personality that I was somewhat comfortable with.
Then, I moved.
I couldn't be that person anymore.  All of the new people who were now apart of my new were nothing like the old ones.  I didn't match.  And so, the cycle started all over again.  I changed, like the chameleon that I am, to fit my environment.
But I am 32 now.  I don't like change.  I began to hate the person I was becoming.  I went into mourning.  This is what lead to my August hospitalization.
Yesterday, I finally agreed to get together with a couple of old friends.  We had dinner, drank some wine, caught up on old times while Nirvana's "Live at Reading" DVD played in the back ground.  My heart opened up...and I was back.  I was alive again.  What I said mattered, I made people laugh and I was not afraid.
Although I did experience some paranoia the next day, I did not replay the night, over and over in my mind the way I always do after a social event.  I felt mostly content. 
No regrets.
What a lovely evening.  It was a nice visit...with me.

If I'm so crazy, then why do people keep having sex with me?

I couldn't help myself.  I HAD to share this article.  It gave me a chuckle:)

The beginning of what I thought was the end...

I have been thoroughly enjoying the past couple of days.  In between Doctors, kids, boyfriends and other such things I have been glued to Blogger.


I am somewhat concerned that certain individuals may start to think of me as a stalker as I suddenly begin to appear in the "Followers" box of many of their favorite blogs.  It started innocently enough.  It began with my discovery of f8hasit (btw, I am very proud to have discovered how to create a link) through "blog of note".  I immediately fell in love with her witty and interesting stories.  I decided to be daring and leave a comment on a particularly delicious story "only pie, and never more..." Soon after, I was pleased to find that I had two new followers!   Feeling rather good about myself and the comments left, I decided to explore the rest of the blogger kingdom. 

I came to the conclusion that if I'm following someone because I find them interesting, then they must be following people equally as good.  And so I began to read many of the blogs my followers follow. (too much use of the word follow?) and  I was right.  Now I have become completely absorbed by other people's words.  I love discovering a new blog.  I love finding interesting  posts and widgets.  I love that every one of them is original and custom made with care.  I have especially been enjoying the feeling you get when you glance at the clock and realize that two hours have crept past you...unnoticed. 

Yes...I am enjoying the fact that I am enjoying something.  I feel good about the fact that I have my own blog too.  I have potential and as of today FOUR people are listening!  I can't help but feel like these people are discovering me from the beginning of what I thought was the end.  Something that has been in my opinion, very raw and which has been written with little thought and mostly emotion.

I'm feeling much better now so...where do I go from here?

I intended for this to be a place where I could say what I wanted to say out loud.  It was about BPD and how I suffer.  It was sad.  Who wants to follow a blog that is always down and depressing?  Apparently not very many people!  I get that.

I think this may be the beginning of  a change.  Like my moods, I can see this thing going up and down which is why I still feel that the name is fitting.  "Rider Of The Storm".  That's exactly what it's like.

Have you ever been on a sailboat?  My father had one when I was a kid.  It was a Macgregor 25  called Clova.  He named it (should I be calling it her?) after Glen Clova, a beloved glen in Scotland which is  close to my heart.  We used to go on long trips (they seemed long to me because I hated it most of the time) from Mississauga, Ontario to Toronto Island.  It would take a couple of hours to get there at times but it's not the destination I am relating to.  It's the Journey.

Sometimes it would be "smooth sailing".  Calm waters which would allow me to relax on the bow of the boat and soak in some sun.  At those times it was beautiful.  The water sparkled like diamonds in the sun and  everyone in the family was happy.

Suddenly without warning the wind would pick up.  That's when the chaos began.  My dad would start shouting out instructions and everyone was expected to be on the ball.  The boat would move quickly, slicing through small waves and bouncing up and down.  It was at this point that my very cute little brother would begin to get sick.  He wasn't the only one.  Our poor little Miniature Samoyed (the family dog) couldn't hold it in for very long either.  Between the two of them, my mother would be frantically trying to clean the mess before it spread.

 While all of this was happening, I would usually be holding on to the bars of the bow with my feet dragging through  the water, my hair whipping around my face and my cheeks stinging from the wind.  And then... out of no where, just like that, the wind would disappear and the waters would return to normal.  That is how my mind works too.  My emotions change suddenly, without warning.

Anyhow, I think that I have completely drifted away from what I intended to write about.  I will need to work on that!  What I was trying to get at is that my blog is about to become  multi-faceted and I am looking forward to the change.  Directing my attention to something positive can only be good!

Long story short, I have enjoyed the past couple of days reading all of your blogs.  You have inspired me to get well.  You have inspired me to write about things other than how sad, angry, scared or alone I feel a lot of the time.  You have inspired me to want to write about  the"happy" times too.  I will try to focus on those things with all of you in mind.

Thanks xo

The one that starts out happy but ends on a bad note...why does that happen so often?

My depression has lifted!!!  I still have to deal with BPD and an anxiety disorder but my depression has LIFTED!  It feels really nice to be able to have some positive thoughts and optimism.  I'm hoping it lasts for at least a week.   Maybe this year of hell is over.  Maybe my life will go back to the usual borderline "craziness" and I will no longer live in this deep, dark and secret hole that I have inhabited for close to a year.

That acutally sounds strange, doesn't it?

I am looking forward to my life with BPD?

No, of course not because borderline is it's own kind of hell but it's much worse when you pair it with an anxiety disorder AND deep depression.

I am hoping that it's the medication and therapy that are helping because if they are, I may have a chance at keeping this good feeling.  If it's just a fluke, a flash in the pan, well then I could sink back under at any moment.

As I have said before, I can't really put a finger on when my emotions began to rule my world.  I believe it started at a young age.  I believe that growing up for me was a nightmare of it's own.  The problem is that I don't remember a lot of it and the majority of what I do remember is bad.

Enter... the Facebook photos....dah, dah, dah  (that was supposed to sound dramatic)

A few days ago I logged into Facebook just to see what was going on.  There they were on my page.  Someone had posted pictures (and tagged me in them)  of  what appears to be two different parties.  The comments under the pictures were things like "oh, I remember this like it was yesterday" and "Check out our acid washed mini skirts, I hear they're coming back in style".  Someone asked how old we were when these were taken and another replied that we must have been in grade 6 or 7.

I don't remember those parties like they were yesterday.  I don't even remember all of the kids in the picture or on the thread. I certainly don't remember getting invited to parties! I did recognize two girls.  I remember that I wanted to be like them.  They were pretty and confident.  No one teased them.  Everyone liked them.  They were always nice to me.

So there I was.  Sitting in a chair smiling at the camera.  I had shoulder length hair (permed of course..it was the 80's after all) and a pretty smile.  My eyes were were big and beautiful.  I can't help but notice that all though I was quite thin, my legs look really nice in that acid washed mini skirt. I look happy.  I look innocent.  The girl in the photo is not the girl I think of when I go back to those days in my mind.

 

 
In my mind, that girl is ugly.  She has a big nose and horrible teeth.  She has an obnoxious personality that no one liked.  She is too skinny and her clothes aren't cool enough to be a part of the "in" crowd.  She is reminded of these things every day by all of the other kids.  They go out of there way to be cruel.  They follow her home after school spitting on her and calling her by a nickname.  Every where she moves, every new school she goes to has that one kid who thinks they are original when they come up with that nickname. It's always the same one.  It will haunt her through to grade 10.  That's when she will turn to the world, give it the finger and become what society considers "bad".  The kids didn't bother her after that.  They just left her alone.

O.K!  That was just a horrible moment.  Going back to that place in my head is not a great place to be.  Let's get back on track shall we?

My point is this.  When I looked through the pictures... I saw a different girl looking back at me.  I wasn't any of those things.  There was nothing wrong with the way I looked.  And on top of that, there I was at a party with two girls that I remember being pretty popular.  It looks like I must have had some friends.  I seem to be enjoying myself.  No one is pointing and laughing.  And it's more beautiful because I realize that my gorgeous daughter looks like me!

So here is my problem.  I don't know what is real anymore.  How "horrible" were things really?  Did I get teased here and there but because of BPD it was blown out of proportion in my mind?

  In my mind, the teasing never ends.  Even my little brother used to get in on the act by shooting spit balls at me on the bus with the other kids.

I know it all happened.

But then how do you explain this seemingly happy moment captured forever on film.  Further more, if it is my mind, then have I remembered the abuse from my father incorrectly too?  Did we really have more good times than bad?  I have heard of people blocking out all of the bad things that have happened to them but never all of the good!

This is something I will have to bring up to the Dr. on Friday.  Maybe she will have an answer.  How early can BPD possibly start?

In the mean time.  Some of these girls contact me every once in a while just to say "hi".  Do you think it's a good idea to ask them what they remember?  If I do, they will know how much it has upset my life.  I don't really want them to know but I would like an answer to my question.

Was it really as bad as I believe it was?

Girls who are hated by everyone don't get invited to parties.  Do they?

My AHA!!! Moment

 Artwork by: Angelina Wrona (this one is my fave.) "Psst"




I've been dealing with my mental illness for so long that it has become who I am.  Everyday, every where I go it's there with me.  I suppose this is why I just assume that other people see it.  That they see there is something not quite right.

Today that assumption changed.

I was on the 9th floor of the hospital which is the Acute Mental Health level.  While waiting for the elevator (the very slow elevator)  a pair of paramedics with a stretcher came out of the locked area where they keep the admitted patients.  The elevator doors finally opened and we all piled in.  I always feel akward when other people get on the elevator with me.  They know what floor I'm coming from and I have always assumed that they know I'm a patient.  I am embarrassed by the fact that I'm a patient.

I pressed the button that would take us to the first floor and the doors closed.  It was silent for a little while.  You know what I mean.  That strange kind of silence that feels very uncomfortable because you are all in such close proximity.  The younger of the two men looked at me and grinned.

"did you sign yourself out?"

He laughed at his own joke.

At first I thought that I should take offense.  I mean really. It's not something to tease a person about!

"remember you have to stay on hospital property"

Again, he found himself very funny and laughed.

It was then that I realized (I think this is due to my DBT group) that he wasn't making fun of me at all!

He was being a bit flirty and he didn't realize or even think that I was a patient!  He was treating me as a "normal" person and that I was a part of an "inside joke".  He was making fun of the mental patients with me as if I wasn't one.

I usually judge the other people that come into my DBT group.  I usually judge anyone coming from the 9th or 10th floor.  A lot of the time I can (or I think I can) peg who is a patient and who is a visitor.  The patients usually look a bit rough, out of place or somewhat poor.  I realize that this is a horrible judgment as I am one of them and I realize that I am awful for secretly thinking that I am better than most of them.  This is something that I would NEVER openly admit.  I guess I have been feeding into the stereotype that I have been fighting so hard to dispel.

Don't get me wrong.  There are occasions when I meet patients that I feel are more like me.  They look like everyone else.  They appear to "have it together".  I have always tried very hard to obtain this type of appearance but was never sure if I was pulling it off.

Today I found out that I am.

It felt good.  Really good.

Now I know that I don't appear to be "defective" to anyone.  I blend in.  That's all I ever wanted to do.

I have learned a lesson.  I am going to make a conscious effort to refrain from judging others based on their appearance.  I was wrong and ignorant.  Mental health can affect anyone from every walk of life.  There is no "face" to Borderline Personality Disorder.  There is no standard "look".  We are simply people just trying to feel better and struggling to survive.

It's hard enough living with this illness without having to worry about what clothes you are wearing or if your hair is out of place. 

Lesson learned!