Then, I moved.
I couldn't be that person anymore. All of the new people who were now apart of my new were nothing like the old ones. I didn't match. And so, the cycle started all over again. I changed, like the chameleon that I am, to fit my environment.
But I am 32 now. I don't like change. I began to hate the person I was becoming. I went into mourning. This is what lead to my August hospitalization.
Yesterday, I finally agreed to get together with a couple of old friends. We had dinner, drank some wine, caught up on old times while Nirvana's "Live at Reading" DVD played in the back ground. My heart opened up...and I was back. I was alive again. What I said mattered, I made people laugh and I was not afraid.
Although I did experience some paranoia the next day, I did not replay the night, over and over in my mind the way I always do after a social event. I felt mostly content.
No regrets.
What a lovely evening. It was a nice visit...with me.
4 comments:
Oh, honey...I know it's much easier said than done...don't change to fit your environment or be who you think people want you to be. Find things you enjoy doing, demand people accept you for who you are...you'll be so much happier...
When you start doing the things you enjoy, you'll meet others who enjoy the same things. You'll feel free to be yourself.
Hugs.
I would LOVE to just be "myself". With BPD, we tend not to have our own identity though and this begins at an early age. By the time you are an adult, you really have no clue who "you" really are.
It's not really something that I consciously do. It's just something that I am aware of. I realize that it's a hard concept to get! If you are aware of something then surely you can stop it from happening? Not at all. And this is why I am worse now than in my younger years. Because I am aware of things due to therapy I drive myself crazy analyzing it all! The next step in my therapy is mood regulation. However once I master that (I am determined to) I will continue to have the irrational thoughts AND lack a sense of identity. I think that it's just the way I am:)
I do agree though that finding some things I enjoy and then sharing those things with others will help. I just need to find out what it is that I enjoy lol
There are many women that can identify with losing ourselves. We take care of everyone else first.
I do understand dwelling in that dark place. The difference is I escaped mine when I divorced. Too bad you can't divorce BPD. I wish you well and hope you stay with the therapy.
There's an award for you on my blog.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! This means sooo much to me:)
p.s I didn't ever lose myself...I never had a self to lose! That's been the problem I suppose.
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