If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.
- Kurt Cobain
My mind plays tricks on me. I can't decide if things are getting better or just staying the same or maybe becoming worse than ever.
My weeks have been peppered with good days. Sometimes these days last two in a row! What are "good days"?
A very good day would consist of the absence of sadness, pain, anxiety, shame and anger. On these days I am able to smile and sometimes even laugh with those I love. I have patience for my children (and others) and I feel competent. I feel like I can really get things done. I am able to look forward to the future and I am pretty optimistic. I can be optimistic because I usually forget how bad it was when I was down.
I find it hard to remember how it feels to be in my emotions. I am only reminded when I am in the thick of it. I do however remember the "high" of happiness. To me it has become a drug that I want more of. I rarely get even a small dose but when I do experience it I truly put myself in the moment. This is a DBT practice that I usually have to work very hard at unless I am having an exceptionally lovely emotion. It is then that I soak it up rather than being soaked up by it. I'm not too sure if that makes sense to anyone else but it does to me.
Today I am full of shame and anxiety. DBT is teaching me the importance of labeling my emotions and then describing them. It helps if you can figure out where they are coming from. Two days ago I attended a wedding reception. I drank a little more than I should have and now I worry that I said or did things to offend those around me. Possibley the bride and groom. My boyfriend says I didn't but he wasn't with me all of the time. I tend to misbehave more when he is absent. Wedding's always bring up negative emotions for me. When I pair them with alcohol it's never good. I hurt myeself that night after everyone left the house. Why do I do that?
