If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.
- Kurt Cobain
My mind plays tricks on me. I can't decide if things are getting better or just staying the same or maybe becoming worse than ever.
My weeks have been peppered with good days. Sometimes these days last two in a row! What are "good days"?
A very good day would consist of the absence of sadness, pain, anxiety, shame and anger. On these days I am able to smile and sometimes even laugh with those I love. I have patience for my children (and others) and I feel competent. I feel like I can really get things done. I am able to look forward to the future and I am pretty optimistic. I can be optimistic because I usually forget how bad it was when I was down.
I find it hard to remember how it feels to be in my emotions. I am only reminded when I am in the thick of it. I do however remember the "high" of happiness. To me it has become a drug that I want more of. I rarely get even a small dose but when I do experience it I truly put myself in the moment. This is a DBT practice that I usually have to work very hard at unless I am having an exceptionally lovely emotion. It is then that I soak it up rather than being soaked up by it. I'm not too sure if that makes sense to anyone else but it does to me.
Today I am full of shame and anxiety. DBT is teaching me the importance of labeling my emotions and then describing them. It helps if you can figure out where they are coming from. Two days ago I attended a wedding reception. I drank a little more than I should have and now I worry that I said or did things to offend those around me. Possibley the bride and groom. My boyfriend says I didn't but he wasn't with me all of the time. I tend to misbehave more when he is absent. Wedding's always bring up negative emotions for me. When I pair them with alcohol it's never good. I hurt myeself that night after everyone left the house. Why do I do that?
2 comments:
While I tried DBT back in 2005 after a previous suicide attempt and then bagged it as I thought it was all for the birds, after this last experience I decided today that maybe I should make an honest effort at trying to do something about my life and take some responsibility for a change. Right now, I am still stuck in my "I don't give a damn" mode. However, I honored the follow-up appt the hospital made for me with a DBT therapist this morning. I really didn't want to go. In fact, while I was waiting to see her, my anger levels escalated. What the hell could I expect from her? Why should I give a damn? When was someone gonna finally "get it" that I just plain did not WANT to use these tools? Well, after meeting her and being very clear about how I felt, her only concern was wondering WHY I felt the way I did. No one has ever bothered to ask me that one before. She gave me the impression that how could I even expect to be successful at using any tool until I could begin to understand why I was feeling the way I do about everything. She told me that any return appt w/her was strictly up to me, but if I didn't think I could benefit from trying to work with her, she certainly didn't expect me to waste my money. I have to admit, she did pique my interest. So, I decided to make another appt (to my surprise). I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into, but today I don't want to feel the way I have been. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but it's all I've got right now.
Thanks for stopping by my site and leaving a comment. It led me here.
Your writing is compelling. I want to spend some time reading your past posts, so I know the 'history' if you will.
Although it might not mean much, but I'm sending some hugs your way.
{{{hugs}}}
:-)
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