I don't deal well with crowds at the moment. Perhaps a movie wasn't such a great idea. Especially when the movie we chose is still drawing people in droves. Avatar. We arrived late, well, five minutes before the show was set to begin. This in itself was anxiety provoking. The self serve machines weren't working properly which caused my heart to race. Despite all of this, we still found time to grab a popcorn combo (who in their right mind could go to the movies and not eat popcorn? Not I!) and found ourselves racing to theater number 10. It was packed. We stood there staring at a sea of people trying to force our eyes to adjust faster to the darkness. As I scanned the crowd I noticed right smack in the center of it all was two empty seats. I nudged B in an attempt to encourage him to take the lead. I was too afraid of the thought of asking all of those people to scrunch themselves up in their seats so that we could slip through. Now please understand that at this time I was holding a bag of popcorn, a giant drink, my cell phone (I had been texting), the ticket stubs and two pairs of 3D glasses. Over my shoulder was the newest addition to my purse collection, a very large cream colored Guess bag and of course I was wearing a coat. B commented as we were sitting that I was spilling pop everywhere yet failed to notice that I was truly struggling and needed him to rescue me. Now any girl who loves a good hand bag knows that you Never, Ever put your pride and joy on the floor. This is why I chose to sit first...so that I could sling it over my left knee while shoving my cell inside of it simultaneously. My huge pop was being held between my forearm and my waist and pop was spilling all over my jacket. At this point I was losing my cool and had to demand that B help me out. My heart was jumping out of my chest.
Once we were finally seated and as comfortable as we were going to be for the next 162 minutes, things started to close in around me. The man next to me was wearing a very puffy coat which he decided to leave on. As the movie progressed he made himself more and more at home by leaning his head on his hand with his elbow hogging the entire arm rest. His puffy jacket encroaching my personal space. I began to panic. I felt as though everything was closing in around me. I attempted to use my DBT skills. Slowly, I eased myself into the movie, forgetting my surroundings.
Fast forward to the credits. Chaos. Everyone trying to leave at once. Puffy jacket guy not moving and in my way. Sticky coat, sticky floor. I couldn't breath. I felt as though I was gasping for air like one of the humans in the movie. I pushed my way out as quickly as I could. I stumbled into the light and turned to see if B was behind me. He gave me a funny look. Having BPD means that I don't deal well with funny looks. They are hostile to me. Cruel and insulting to my ego. I turned and pushed on. I had tunnel vision. I just wanted to escape the crowd.
I'm not sure how but B ended up ahead of me and stepped off to the side close to the arcade and out of the crowd. That's when I noticed the unfamiliar jacket he was wearing. "where did that jacket come from?" I asked. I guess my body language told him that I was getting ready to criticize it. This is why he decided to answer my question with a question. "why do you want to know?" he asked. This is when I began to go ballistic inside. Why can the man not ever answer my questions with a direct answer. He always needs to know why I'm asking first. If I ask him when he is coming home from work, he needs to know why. If I ask him to go left instead of right, he needs to know why and goes the other way as I can't answer him quickly enough. I can't stand it. Just answer my freaking questions already!!! By the time we got to the car I was highly agitated, full of anxiety and was beginning to split. splitting is when someone with BPD goes from love to hate. There is no in between. B says when this happens, he can see it in my eyes. The hate. I love hard, I hate hard...there is not much of anything in the middle other than indifference. When I'm indifferent, I'm not really "there" anyhow. My therapist says that this is when I disassociate.
I have so much more to say about my relationship with B. Please know that I love him. Even when I hate him, I know it's temporary. I'll always come back to him. I just hope he knows that too. I'll save the rest for another post. Thanks for listening...oh and I highly recommend Avatar. It was beautiful.
