Artwork by: Angelina Wrona (this one is my fave.) "Psst"
I've been dealing with my mental illness for so long that it has become who I am. Everyday, every where I go it's there with me. I suppose this is why I just assume that other people see it. That they see there is something not quite right.
Today that assumption changed.
I was on the 9th floor of the hospital which is the Acute Mental Health level. While waiting for the elevator (the very slow elevator) a pair of paramedics with a stretcher came out of the locked area where they keep the admitted patients. The elevator doors finally opened and we all piled in. I always feel akward when other people get on the elevator with me. They know what floor I'm coming from and I have always assumed that they know I'm a patient. I am embarrassed by the fact that I'm a patient.
I pressed the button that would take us to the first floor and the doors closed. It was silent for a little while. You know what I mean. That strange kind of silence that feels very uncomfortable because you are all in such close proximity. The younger of the two men looked at me and grinned.
"did you sign yourself out?"
He laughed at his own joke.
At first I thought that I should take offense. I mean really. It's not something to tease a person about!
"remember you have to stay on hospital property"
Again, he found himself very funny and laughed.
It was then that I realized (I think this is due to my DBT group) that he wasn't making fun of me at all!
He was being a bit flirty and he didn't realize or even think that I was a patient! He was treating me as a "normal" person and that I was a part of an "inside joke". He was making fun of the mental patients with me as if I wasn't one.
I usually judge the other people that come into my DBT group. I usually judge anyone coming from the 9th or 10th floor. A lot of the time I can (or I think I can) peg who is a patient and who is a visitor. The patients usually look a bit rough, out of place or somewhat poor. I realize that this is a horrible judgment as I am one of them and I realize that I am awful for secretly thinking that I am better than most of them. This is something that I would NEVER openly admit. I guess I have been feeding into the stereotype that I have been fighting so hard to dispel.
Don't get me wrong. There are occasions when I meet patients that I feel are more like me. They look like everyone else. They appear to "have it together". I have always tried very hard to obtain this type of appearance but was never sure if I was pulling it off.
Today I found out that I am.
It felt good. Really good.
Now I know that I don't appear to be "defective" to anyone. I blend in. That's all I ever wanted to do.
I have learned a lesson. I am going to make a conscious effort to refrain from judging others based on their appearance. I was wrong and ignorant. Mental health can affect anyone from every walk of life. There is no "face" to Borderline Personality Disorder. There is no standard "look". We are simply people just trying to feel better and struggling to survive.
It's hard enough living with this illness without having to worry about what clothes you are wearing or if your hair is out of place.
Lesson learned!
