That acutally sounds strange, doesn't it?
I am looking forward to my life with BPD?
No, of course not because borderline is it's own kind of hell but it's much worse when you pair it with an anxiety disorder AND deep depression.
I am hoping that it's the medication and therapy that are helping because if they are, I may have a chance at keeping this good feeling. If it's just a fluke, a flash in the pan, well then I could sink back under at any moment.
As I have said before, I can't really put a finger on when my emotions began to rule my world. I believe it started at a young age. I believe that growing up for me was a nightmare of it's own. The problem is that I don't remember a lot of it and the majority of what I do remember is bad.
Enter... the Facebook photos....dah, dah, dah (that was supposed to sound dramatic)
A few days ago I logged into Facebook just to see what was going on. There they were on my page. Someone had posted pictures (and tagged me in them) of what appears to be two different parties. The comments under the pictures were things like "oh, I remember this like it was yesterday" and "Check out our acid washed mini skirts, I hear they're coming back in style". Someone asked how old we were when these were taken and another replied that we must have been in grade 6 or 7.
I don't remember those parties like they were yesterday. I don't even remember all of the kids in the picture or on the thread. I certainly don't remember getting invited to parties! I did recognize two girls. I remember that I wanted to be like them. They were pretty and confident. No one teased them. Everyone liked them. They were always nice to me.
So there I was. Sitting in a chair smiling at the camera. I had shoulder length hair (permed of course..it was the 80's after all) and a pretty smile. My eyes were were big and beautiful. I can't help but notice that all though I was quite thin, my legs look really nice in that acid washed mini skirt. I look happy. I look innocent. The girl in the photo is not the girl I think of when I go back to those days in my mind.
In my mind, that girl is ugly. She has a big nose and horrible teeth. She has an obnoxious personality that no one liked. She is too skinny and her clothes aren't cool enough to be a part of the "in" crowd. She is reminded of these things every day by all of the other kids. They go out of there way to be cruel. They follow her home after school spitting on her and calling her by a nickname. Every where she moves, every new school she goes to has that one kid who thinks they are original when they come up with that nickname. It's always the same one. It will haunt her through to grade 10. That's when she will turn to the world, give it the finger and become what society considers "bad". The kids didn't bother her after that. They just left her alone.
O.K! That was just a horrible moment. Going back to that place in my head is not a great place to be. Let's get back on track shall we?
My point is this. When I looked through the pictures... I saw a different girl looking back at me. I wasn't any of those things. There was nothing wrong with the way I looked. And on top of that, there I was at a party with two girls that I remember being pretty popular. It looks like I must have had some friends. I seem to be enjoying myself. No one is pointing and laughing. And it's more beautiful because I realize that my gorgeous daughter looks like me!
So here is my problem. I don't know what is real anymore. How "horrible" were things really? Did I get teased here and there but because of BPD it was blown out of proportion in my mind?
In my mind, the teasing never ends. Even my little brother used to get in on the act by shooting spit balls at me on the bus with the other kids.
I know it all happened.
But then how do you explain this seemingly happy moment captured forever on film. Further more, if it is my mind, then have I remembered the abuse from my father incorrectly too? Did we really have more good times than bad? I have heard of people blocking out all of the bad things that have happened to them but never all of the good!
This is something I will have to bring up to the Dr. on Friday. Maybe she will have an answer. How early can BPD possibly start?
In the mean time. Some of these girls contact me every once in a while just to say "hi". Do you think it's a good idea to ask them what they remember? If I do, they will know how much it has upset my life. I don't really want them to know but I would like an answer to my question.
Was it really as bad as I believe it was?
Girls who are hated by everyone don't get invited to parties. Do they?
