When I'm well It's not so bad. I only fear that I will fall under again. I am able to give off the impression of confidence. I can trick people into believing that I am "normal". I still have constant anxiety but I hide it well. I continue to wrestle with my mind as it is always trying to "trick" me. Now that I really think about it, as I type these words, I am realizing that I'm never really well. There are just varied degrees of sickness.
I don't really know how I'm going to return to work. My job is very stressful and demanding. You always have to be "on". I just don't feel like pushing myself anymore. Not that hard anyway. It's not that I've given up. I hope I haven't given that impression. I expect that I will do well...once I have figured out what it is I want to do. I am not lazy. Just uninspired. I regret the courses I took in college as they got me no where. I chose to get involved in retail instead. Retail is a black hole. It sucks you in. Possibly forever? I am REALLY good at my job. I just don't have the strength to do it anymore.
It's too bad there wasn't a career in whining. I would be rich!!
Reality T.V is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I love having a glimpse into other people's lives. Sometimes it makes me feel really good about myself but...mostly I just enjoy being given the right to judge! I also love, love, love wedding and decorating shows. Since I have been off work for a couple of months now, I spend a lot of time with my new friends on the television. Once I get my butt back to work I will have a beautifully decorated home AND have the wedding of my dreams. Of course, you have to be engaged first to plan the latter...or do you?
This post is just a mish mosh of things on my mind. It doesn't flow and it lacks consistency...just like me:)
4 comments:
hiya - I'm with you on returning to work, my job is so stressful and I'm worried about going back even though I know I'm very good at it.
I've negotiated shorter hours and a less demanding role to begin with. It's going to be a horrid shock all the same, and I feel ashamed at having to take on a 'junior' role even though I know it's for the best.
I'm worried about creating a new routine and it feels like it's going to be so much effort, I'm desperate to get back some normality but I know I've got a steep hill to climb first.
Take it in small steps, don't try to achieve the same standards as you used to and be prepared for it to take time.
Take Care
Hann x
I agree with Hannah, just take things one minute at a time, and work may be distracting to the thoughts that you have as you will be busy enough to do it and the thoughts not be there That is what I did for a very long time until I attempted suicide. Then I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't work period. There was no going back, there is no going back for me for a long time. There is no sense of normalcy for me, and doctor said there won't be for a long time until I can get everything under control. Stress doesn't even cause my thoughts to come about, so until I can get through that,I can't get through a work day.
@Hannah Thanks for the support! Let me know when you return and how it is working out please!
@Fucked in the head It's hard isn't it? People just don't get it. They expect us to just "snap out of it."
I so relate to the first few paragraphs of this post. Especially wonder if I'm ever really well or if it's just my mental illness (depression & BPD) in matters of degree. I'm especially good at hiding my illness too. I just wrote on that subject in my post yesterday. And I'm totally conflicted about my commitments to life and relationships as you mentioned. I know this post is from a few months ago and I haven't been able to read much more of your blog but this particular post stuck out to me. I'm pretty new to blogging (maybe a week now) and just exploring others blogs to see how it all works. Your blog is great I hope you don't mind my following. I hope your return to work has gone well.
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