Saturday, January 16, 2010

My Only Regret...

There is only one voice that makes me shiver...the whole night through. If you caught that, then you are automatically in my good books.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xHl-P_arVA&NR=1

I only wish I knew how to post a YouTube video. Perhaps someone can tell me?

I remember the first time I rested eyes on his beautiful greasy locks of blonde hair. I was 14yrs old. In my biological mother's living room in Yellowknife, NWT watching Much Music. At the time I was a hard core "rocker" chic. I loved Metallica (still do) and G&R and I was still into the hair metal bands such as Poison and Skid Row. I wore skin tight jeans, teased my hair and wore heavy eye liner. The music...it tugged at my heart. My BPD was beginning to boil over and become a prominent part of my life.


"Smells Like Teen Spirit" flooded the room. I was immediately drawn to the warm and melty voice (that's the best way I can describe it in an emotional sense) of Kurt Cobain. I fell instantly in love. I felt alive.

I still feel as though I "discovered" Nirvana. Okay, I know I didn't but at the time, none of my friends had heard of them. I rushed out, purchased the CD and began my mission. I simply had to share it with everyone I came in contact with. It came to parties with me, it came to school. It never left my side. Eventually I found out that there was an earlier CD "Bleach" and I scooped it up too. This one at the time was harder to find. I was in Yellowknife after all. YK didn't even have decent radio coverage at the time.

About 6 months later I was sent back to Ontario out of bad behavior. Social services (I was in foster care by then) decided that I should live closer to my legal parents...they just couldn't handle me anymore. I was bounced around between foster homes and group homes until I turned 16yrs of age. This is when I decided to take Family and Children's Services to court and remove myself form their care. It's  amazing to me now, that they would let a 16 year old child go out into the world on her own...but they did.

I spent the next year living from place to place. Staying with anyone that would take me in. Sometimes sleeping outside in bus enclosures or on someones front step. I felt safer on someones front step. Just before I turned 17 years old, I ended up in a women's shelter. They helped me to get "welfare" and a basement apartment.  Soon after, I found a room mate. Shortly after that, I became pregnant by her older cousin.

As you can tell, I didn't exactly have the opportunity/funds to purchase concert tickets. I never got to go to a Nirvana show. By the time I was roughly 3mths along in my pregnancy, it happened.

In my tiny living room, I turned on the T.V. There it was. He was gone.

My heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces. He was the one who wrote what was in my head. I loved him without knowing him. Now...it was over.

I don't regret anything in my life. Not one damn thing. Everything I did, lead me to where I am now which is a pretty good place to be considering where I came from. I don't regret anything in my life...except not seeing him in the flesh.


If you have memories of Kurt, Please share them with me. Any memories at all. I would appreciate it, if you know any Nirvana fans, would you ask them to check out my blog too? Ask them to send me their thoughts, memories and video links too.

Courtney, I wish you would share some memories with me too.

Thank you xoxo

2 comments:

m. said...

i love kurt cobain.
i really do.

amazing.

Anonymous said...

Wow...Kurt was/is amazing...I felt the same about Layne Staley as you do about Kurt...I remember the first time I heard Nirvana...I was so sick of hair metal....I was so happy when G&R came out...But when Nirvana came out...You just knew music would never ever be the same...He came at a time I needed him in my lfe...I watched live at Reading yesterday...It is one of my favorite DVD's...

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