The beginning of what I thought was the end...

I have been thoroughly enjoying the past couple of days.  In between Doctors, kids, boyfriends and other such things I have been glued to Blogger.


I am somewhat concerned that certain individuals may start to think of me as a stalker as I suddenly begin to appear in the "Followers" box of many of their favorite blogs.  It started innocently enough.  It began with my discovery of f8hasit (btw, I am very proud to have discovered how to create a link) through "blog of note".  I immediately fell in love with her witty and interesting stories.  I decided to be daring and leave a comment on a particularly delicious story "only pie, and never more..." Soon after, I was pleased to find that I had two new followers!   Feeling rather good about myself and the comments left, I decided to explore the rest of the blogger kingdom. 

I came to the conclusion that if I'm following someone because I find them interesting, then they must be following people equally as good.  And so I began to read many of the blogs my followers follow. (too much use of the word follow?) and  I was right.  Now I have become completely absorbed by other people's words.  I love discovering a new blog.  I love finding interesting  posts and widgets.  I love that every one of them is original and custom made with care.  I have especially been enjoying the feeling you get when you glance at the clock and realize that two hours have crept past you...unnoticed. 

Yes...I am enjoying the fact that I am enjoying something.  I feel good about the fact that I have my own blog too.  I have potential and as of today FOUR people are listening!  I can't help but feel like these people are discovering me from the beginning of what I thought was the end.  Something that has been in my opinion, very raw and which has been written with little thought and mostly emotion.

I'm feeling much better now so...where do I go from here?

I intended for this to be a place where I could say what I wanted to say out loud.  It was about BPD and how I suffer.  It was sad.  Who wants to follow a blog that is always down and depressing?  Apparently not very many people!  I get that.

I think this may be the beginning of  a change.  Like my moods, I can see this thing going up and down which is why I still feel that the name is fitting.  "Rider Of The Storm".  That's exactly what it's like.

Have you ever been on a sailboat?  My father had one when I was a kid.  It was a Macgregor 25  called Clova.  He named it (should I be calling it her?) after Glen Clova, a beloved glen in Scotland which is  close to my heart.  We used to go on long trips (they seemed long to me because I hated it most of the time) from Mississauga, Ontario to Toronto Island.  It would take a couple of hours to get there at times but it's not the destination I am relating to.  It's the Journey.

Sometimes it would be "smooth sailing".  Calm waters which would allow me to relax on the bow of the boat and soak in some sun.  At those times it was beautiful.  The water sparkled like diamonds in the sun and  everyone in the family was happy.

Suddenly without warning the wind would pick up.  That's when the chaos began.  My dad would start shouting out instructions and everyone was expected to be on the ball.  The boat would move quickly, slicing through small waves and bouncing up and down.  It was at this point that my very cute little brother would begin to get sick.  He wasn't the only one.  Our poor little Miniature Samoyed (the family dog) couldn't hold it in for very long either.  Between the two of them, my mother would be frantically trying to clean the mess before it spread.

 While all of this was happening, I would usually be holding on to the bars of the bow with my feet dragging through  the water, my hair whipping around my face and my cheeks stinging from the wind.  And then... out of no where, just like that, the wind would disappear and the waters would return to normal.  That is how my mind works too.  My emotions change suddenly, without warning.

Anyhow, I think that I have completely drifted away from what I intended to write about.  I will need to work on that!  What I was trying to get at is that my blog is about to become  multi-faceted and I am looking forward to the change.  Directing my attention to something positive can only be good!

Long story short, I have enjoyed the past couple of days reading all of your blogs.  You have inspired me to get well.  You have inspired me to write about things other than how sad, angry, scared or alone I feel a lot of the time.  You have inspired me to want to write about  the"happy" times too.  I will try to focus on those things with all of you in mind.

Thanks xo