That acutally sounds strange, doesn't it?
I am looking forward to my life with BPD?
No, of course not because borderline is it's own kind of hell but it's much worse when you pair it with an anxiety disorder AND deep depression.
I am hoping that it's the medication and therapy that are helping because if they are, I may have a chance at keeping this good feeling. If it's just a fluke, a flash in the pan, well then I could sink back under at any moment.
As I have said before, I can't really put a finger on when my emotions began to rule my world. I believe it started at a young age. I believe that growing up for me was a nightmare of it's own. The problem is that I don't remember a lot of it and the majority of what I do remember is bad.
Enter... the Facebook photos....dah, dah, dah (that was supposed to sound dramatic)
A few days ago I logged into Facebook just to see what was going on. There they were on my page. Someone had posted pictures (and tagged me in them) of what appears to be two different parties. The comments under the pictures were things like "oh, I remember this like it was yesterday" and "Check out our acid washed mini skirts, I hear they're coming back in style". Someone asked how old we were when these were taken and another replied that we must have been in grade 6 or 7.
I don't remember those parties like they were yesterday. I don't even remember all of the kids in the picture or on the thread. I certainly don't remember getting invited to parties! I did recognize two girls. I remember that I wanted to be like them. They were pretty and confident. No one teased them. Everyone liked them. They were always nice to me.
So there I was. Sitting in a chair smiling at the camera. I had shoulder length hair (permed of course..it was the 80's after all) and a pretty smile. My eyes were were big and beautiful. I can't help but notice that all though I was quite thin, my legs look really nice in that acid washed mini skirt. I look happy. I look innocent. The girl in the photo is not the girl I think of when I go back to those days in my mind.
In my mind, that girl is ugly. She has a big nose and horrible teeth. She has an obnoxious personality that no one liked. She is too skinny and her clothes aren't cool enough to be a part of the "in" crowd. She is reminded of these things every day by all of the other kids. They go out of there way to be cruel. They follow her home after school spitting on her and calling her by a nickname. Every where she moves, every new school she goes to has that one kid who thinks they are original when they come up with that nickname. It's always the same one. It will haunt her through to grade 10. That's when she will turn to the world, give it the finger and become what society considers "bad". The kids didn't bother her after that. They just left her alone.
O.K! That was just a horrible moment. Going back to that place in my head is not a great place to be. Let's get back on track shall we?
My point is this. When I looked through the pictures... I saw a different girl looking back at me. I wasn't any of those things. There was nothing wrong with the way I looked. And on top of that, there I was at a party with two girls that I remember being pretty popular. It looks like I must have had some friends. I seem to be enjoying myself. No one is pointing and laughing. And it's more beautiful because I realize that my gorgeous daughter looks like me!
So here is my problem. I don't know what is real anymore. How "horrible" were things really? Did I get teased here and there but because of BPD it was blown out of proportion in my mind?
In my mind, the teasing never ends. Even my little brother used to get in on the act by shooting spit balls at me on the bus with the other kids.
I know it all happened.
But then how do you explain this seemingly happy moment captured forever on film. Further more, if it is my mind, then have I remembered the abuse from my father incorrectly too? Did we really have more good times than bad? I have heard of people blocking out all of the bad things that have happened to them but never all of the good!
This is something I will have to bring up to the Dr. on Friday. Maybe she will have an answer. How early can BPD possibly start?
In the mean time. Some of these girls contact me every once in a while just to say "hi". Do you think it's a good idea to ask them what they remember? If I do, they will know how much it has upset my life. I don't really want them to know but I would like an answer to my question.
Was it really as bad as I believe it was?
Girls who are hated by everyone don't get invited to parties. Do they?
5 comments:
I'm obviously not as good a source as your doctor, but my money says your BPD made it seem worse than it was. It also probably made it harder for you to handle which only encouraged the meanest kids to do it more. It's no fun to pick on somebody who isn't bothered by it.
I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it's the meds and the therapy and you will get to a place where you look forward to what each day brings.
I have a feeling that might be part of it Jen. I spoke with my mother for a long time tonight on the phone. She told me a lot of stories about things that happened. Good things. I couldn't remember any of them. I seem to have blocked them all out. Strange no? She did confirm however, that my dad was pretty awful to me. I did not imagine that.
Thanks for you warm wishes and comment:)
So glad to hear you are having a good day.
I wanted to thank you for visiting my blog and for becoming a follower. I hope I can make you smile again.
It is good that you are moving forward. You seem to have come so far. From my perspective (and that is only that—my perspective, I no longer know what is real) I’ve made such little progress. I’ve decided to do the “radical acceptance” thing, however, and this is going to be the hardest thing I’m about to try, but if I’m to let go of a little bit of all that rage that fuels me. This Tuesday at 1630 I’m meeting with my pastor (he was the one that called 911 and show them that infamous text message). I asked him not to bring his wife (Sharon) because I didn’t want to feel double-teamed. As a married pastor, he told me his concern about the allusion of impropriety and accountability and doesn’t meet with any women alone. I can understand that. She’ll stay in the car while we’re outside talking. I’ve to come to a place where I can let the anger I’ve directed at him all this time dissipate. I know he felt a moral obligation to make the 911 call, and his only reason for meeting the police was to see how I was. I’ve known him for 3 years and have always respected him, despite our differing beliefs about my being queer. He’s never judged me in any way and always respected my being forthright, honest and open with him. If can sit down and tell him why I’ve been so angry, that I finally understood the whys of his actions, I can apologise for all of the vitriolic diatribes I posted in my blog towards him. I emailed both Sharon and him two documents on BP and BPD and asked him to read them before we meet. Maybe he’ll have a better understanding of where my head is and how my brain processes thought patterns. I do miss attending that church, but I’m so afraid to step back inside for fear of how people will respond to me after such a length of absence. I’m terrified of that dreaded question, “Where have you been all this time and what happened to you?” They won’t understand that I don’t want to be hugged, sit near any of them much less talk with them, or why I might have to leave in the middle of the service if I can’t handle being around all of the people, even if my “retreat” is only for a few minutes. I feel I have the fortitude to at least speak directly to my pastor. I’m not ready to walk into the church yet and face all those people (we’ve only about 30 or so in attendance which makes it worse because we’re all so close to each other (and in my mind, their relationship with me is only superficial—real or imagined I do not know). Yes, I fear rejection, so that’s why I have to wait before I face them. I can’t handle that perceived fear. I do have something humorous to share with you. The only person at the church that I’ve been the most open with, the woman who brought me my cell phone while I was in the detention centre, has been reading my blog. Therefore, she knows exactly where my head is. After reading my entries about my dissociative states (especially about when I’m driving or walking), she chose to come by my house specifically when she knew I was at my outpatient therapy program and gave me a couple of gifts (she already knew I didn’t want to be around other people). an atlas that showed detailed maps of my area; a battery-operated flasher to place on my back when I’m out walking late at night; a small flashlight; and a 7-in-1 tool that has a blinking LED light, compass, thermometer, clock, safety whistle, safety mirror and a magnifier which I can wear around my neck. She found out about my late-night walks and my dissociative states and she wanted to make sure I’d be safe. See my perception is not the same as reality. But, when will the two collide? I am really trying to understand these DBT tools and I’ve even tried out a few with some success to my amazement. However, it’s going to take a lot of practice and application. You have been SO supportive of me since you have been following my blog. I want you to know just how much this means to me. I get a glimpse of someone who’s further along that I am which gives me hope that I really can get there, even if it’s a case of one step forward, two steps back.
Alix,
It totally IS a case of one step forward, two steps back. That's one of the things that makes it so hard. The thing I want you to realize is that by accepting DBT and letting go of the "stubbornness", you have already made the biggest, most important step of all! That's really as far as I have come. I think most of my progress has been from the new meds (there I go devaluing myself again). I LOVE the fact that you have tools for you night walking lol! The flashing blinker for you back is awesome!
I also want to tell you that by supporting you, it has helped me too. I don't want to be a hypocrite so I tend to follow my own advice.
I get what you're saying about not trusting your mind. I had the same issue last week. I was convinced that everyone hated me and had decided not to attend a Halloween party which the hostess kept telling me I HAD to attend. I ended up going (opposite action) and EVERYONE was so happy to see me. They were welcoming and genuine and realized that I had been worrying all week for nothing. And when I say worrying, I was FREAKING out over it. I know you know what I mean when I say freaking out. Once you make yourself go to your church I bet you will find the same thing. I create those awkward scenarios in my head too. And we are both able to recognize the possibility that they are irrational. We just need to learn to take the leap and face our fears. Usually our fears are not justified:)
p.s I have a lady who used to work for me who knows a little about what is going on. She mailed me a book "Life's Healing Choices". I haven't started reading it yet. I'm afraid. It turns out that it's very religious. I'm afraid of that sort of thing. I had bad experiences when I was young and I don't believe in any of it. I respect you for having such faith. Sometimes I wish I did. Then death wouldn't be so scary for me. perhaps that is what has kept me from dying thought? Because I don't like the idea of just not existing anymore. lol there you go, my crazy thought for the day!
Post a Comment