Failure

Artwork by: Angelina Wrona  "Sakura"

One of the medications I'm taking is making my head feel fuzzy. I feel restless and cannot sleep without taking Seroquel. I used to sleep a lot so this is a huge change for me. I'm glad I'm not so tired anymore but I can't stand the feeling of fuzziness in my brain.

My son is not doing well in school. He says he doesn't care. He says he wants me to stop caring about what he does and that he hates coming home. He is complaining that I'm trying to make our family perfect by cooking meals and insisting that we eat together at the table. It's upsetting me. I am getting frantic and I am having drastic idea's of what I need to do next.

I keep telling myself that I need to sell the house and go back to where I started. It was safer in subsidised housing. If I got sick, my rent simply went down. Now I'm VERY sick and the mortgage just stays the same. My boyfriend cannot pick up the slack and I don't think I should expect him too. He entered this part of our relationship with the understanding that we would both be working and that I would pay my share. I cannot expect him to take all of the financial burden. I am going to be getting long term disability from work but it's not nearly as much as what I was earning. I feel sorry for him and have thoughts of running away to save him.

I believe that I set myself up for this. I set my goals high, wanting to prove to my family that I could be somebody. My dad died before he could see what I had accomplished however I felt proud of myself regardless. Now I fear that I took on too much. I fear that I'm about to lose everything. I think my mother and brother were just waiting for this to happen. They always expected me to fail.

As for my son, I think I messed up. My daughter is very smart but she is displaying signs of low self esteem and a negative attitude towards herself.

What have I done?

I don't deserve to have children.

I should let my boyfriend go. No one deserves this life. It's not his fault I have this sickness.

I am a monster.